


i will always love you

by ari_lee



Series: bokuaka week 2020 [7]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, BokuAka Week 2020, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Terminal Illnesses, businessman akaashi, sick bokuto
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2020-08-06
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:28:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25742836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ari_lee/pseuds/ari_lee
Summary: Akaashi is scared to let him go. “Just don’t give up,” he says, his voice trembling. “We’ll find a match, I promise. You know that if anyone could do it, I could.”
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Series: bokuaka week 2020 [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1857580
Comments: 5
Kudos: 48
Collections: Bokuaka Week 2020





	i will always love you

**Author's Note:**

> i'm not going to lie, i'm not so pleased with the timing of events of this one. however, i've been pressed for time, and my hands have been aching, so i haven't been able to fix it as much as i would've liked.   
> anyways please enjoy the first angst i've written for bokuaka week :))  
> day 7 - illness

Akaashi hates the hospital.

The quiet is quite deafening, and there’s only the occasional sound of a whisper or a beep. Akaashi buries his head in his hands, feeling terribly tired and exhausted. 

“Akaashi-san?”

Akaashi bolts up off his seat at the call. The nurse offers him a tired smile. “You can come in now,” she prompts, and Akaashi wastes no time following her. As soon as he steps into the room, he meets a pair of golden eyes. 

“Kou,” Akaashi chokes, reaching for him. Bokuto reaches his arms out, and Akaashi holds him in a tender hug. He’s careful not to crush him too hard, but his arms tremble. 

“Are you doing alright? Does anything hurt? Do you need anything from me?” Akaashi asks, pulling away to check him over. Bokuto only grins, but Akaashi can see the pain he’s trying to mask. 

“I’m doing great!” Bokuto declares, grinning a bit too widely. “Everyone here is really nice, and they’ve been super supportive of me!” 

Bokuto pauses. “I also have a beautiful boyfriend who’s always checking up on me.” Bokuto looks up at Akaashi with adoring eyes, and Akaashi presses a gentle kiss to his head. 

“Kou,” he says softly. “Don’t lie to me. You can be honest with me, remember?” Bokuto’s face freezes before it crumbles, and his hair shadows his eyes. 

“It hurts,” he whispers. “Keiji, it hurts so bad. It hurts so much I want to die.” Akaashi takes a shaky breath at his admission and keeps Bokuto wrapped up in his hug. Akaashi feels something wet on his shirt, and he fights back his own tears. 

“Please don’t leave me,” Bokuto sobs, his hands fisted tightly in Akaashi’s shirt. “Please, please,  _ please,  _ I can’t do this by myself, it’s so hard-”

“I will never leave you,” Akaashi says fiercely. He lets the tears fall. “I will never, ever let you be alone, so trust me. When it hurts too much, I’ll fight alongside you.”

Akaashi is scared to let him go. “Just don’t give up,” he says, his voice trembling. “We’ll find a match, I promise. You know that if anyone could do it, I could.” 

Bokuto laughs, the sound weak yet somehow bright. It brings a ray of joy into Akaashi’s heart. “For you,” Bokuto promises. Akaashi squeezes him a little tighter, thankful for the moments that they still have together. 

Eventually he has to leave, but he messages his secretary, telling her to make an appointment for him to have his bone marrow donated. He asks her to tell him as soon as she’s set it up, and then he’s off. 

* * *

“You seem to like fairy tales these days,” Akaashi comments. Bokuto shrugs, his eyes glancing over the books lying around him on the bed. Akaashi reaches over and starts tidying the books into a stack. 

“Well, I like the heroes,” Bokuto says, leaning back into the bed. “They’re strong, aren’t they? It’s like they can do anything.” There’s an undertone to his voice that Akaashi immediately understands, but he doesn’t say anything about it. Instead, he reaches over and clasps their hands together. 

“Why don’t we go somewhere together when you’re released from the hospital?” Akaashi says. “We can head to the beach, or go somewhere to eat.” Bokuto perks up at the idea, and Akaashi smiles wryly. 

“Whatever you want,” he says, and Bokuto looks at him gratefully. “Thanks, Keiji,” he says, smiling genuinely. It lacks his usual vigor, but Akaashi doesn’t care. Not as long as he keeps smiling. 

* * *

There are good days, and there are bad days. 

Sometimes he visits, and Bokuto seems like he’s perfectly fine. On other days, he’s in so much pain, that all Akaashi can do is hold him tight and pray for it to go away. On more than one occasion, he’s snuck into the bed to cuddle him, which is a bit awkward as they’re both grown men on a tiny bed. 

Akaashi has asked their friends to stop visiting Bokuto. He thinks that Bokuto needs to be surrounded by his friends during this time, but Bokuto disagrees. He had told Akaashi that he didn’t want his friends to see him in such a sad state. Especially not when he was in pain all the time. Akaashi had reluctantly agreed. 

Even though he loses sleep, Akaashi also insists on being by Bokuto’s side, since their friends stopped coming at his request. His sleep is not worth letting Bokuto fight alone. The bags under his eyes worry Bokuto, but Akaashi is quick to reassure him that he wants to be here. That he isn’t here out of obligation, but of worry and love. 

Still, Akaashi wishes he could do more. 

* * *

“Are you looking for Bokuto-san?” The nurse asks as Akaashi moves to open the door. Bewildered, Akaashi nods. The nurse smiles and points at the ceiling. 

“He’s on the rooftop right now. I guess he wanted some fresh air, so the doctor said that he could go if he wanted.” Akaashi bows his head in thanks towards the nurse, and she continues on her way. 

He heads for the stairs, since the elevator won’t take him up to the rooftop. It’s a quick climb thankfully, and he fiddles with the doorknob a bit before it opens. 

Bokuto is sitting on one of the benches. There’s a blanket over his legs, and the sky is cloudless, yet the sun is gentle. Akaashi watches him silently before stepping out. Bokuto’s eyes flicker towards him. 

“Keiji,” he says, his lips drawn in something that resembles a smile. It’s painful. “I missed you.” There’s something weird in the air, and Akaashi doesn’t know what to say. 

“I’m tired,” Bokuto whispers, his smile fading. “I don’t think I’ll ever play volleyball again. I’m not sure whether I’ll ever make it home from here.” There’s something utterly broken in his eyes, and Akaashi feels sick. “I don’t know if I can ever hold you properly again,” he chokes on his words, covering his face with his hands. Akaashi clenches his fists. 

It’s selfish. He can’t ask Bokuto to fight, not when it’s so painful for him. The light in his eyes is fading, but Akaashi refuses to stand by and let it die. 

He’ll be selfish just this once. 

“Koutarou.” Bokuto lowers his hands but doesn’t meet Akaashi’s eyes. “Do you think you’ll be able to forget?” Bokuto flinches. 

Akaashi closes his eyes. “I’ll never forget,” he says, smiling as he recalls their memories together. The first time they stood together at nationals. The first date they went on together. The first time they kissed, which resulted in a bruised forehead and a sore nose. 

The time they had gone to the amusement park, because Bokuto had insisted that it was necessary as a couple. They had gotten matching ears, and Bokuto had dragged through all the wild rides. It had been rather hectic and Akaashi had definitely felt sick on more than one occasion, but it was something he looked back at fondly. Bokuto had been pleased that day, and so Akaashi had been happy. 

When he was sick, Bokuto had bought nearly every type of medicine from the store in his panic and rushed over Akaashi’s house. It was just a mild fever, but he had stayed and nursed Akaashi through the night. The next morning, Akaashi had woken up and found him dosing on the chair next to his bed.

At his first professional game, Akaashi had recruited their old team members to cheer on Bokuto. It had been terribly embarrassing, but it had been worth it to see the delight on his face once he spotted the giant banner they made for him. The kiss after the game had been caught on camera as well, but it was a sacrifice worth making.

“No matter what happens, I’ll always remember,” Akaashi says, opening his eyes. “Every moment we’ve had together is precious to me. I’m selfish, so I can’t help but dream of more. I want to walk on the beach together. I want to take a long vacation overseas, just the two of us. I want to sit in the stands and cheer for you as you play.” 

Bokuto finally raises his head to meet his gaze.

“You’re not a hero in some fairy tale,” Akaashi says. “You’re the love of my life. You’re a volleyball player. You’re a silly dork who loves hair gel way too much. You’re the protagonist of your own life.”

Tears escape his dull golden eyes, and Akaashi refuses to break eye contact with him.

“You’re really cruel, Keiji.” Bokuto laughs as he wipes his tears away. “Giving me hope again, after I’ve lost it.” The wind ruffles the hanging sheets behind him, and Bokuto closes his eyes. The air is chilly and dry, and he can smell the fresh scent coming from the laundry hanging.

“This isn’t the end of your story,” Akaashi says. “It’s not time to give up.” 

Bokuto opens his eyes and tilts his head upwards to stare at the clear blue sky. “You’re telling me to dream again,” he says, and he stretches an arm towards the sky, as if he’s trying to catch a cloud. “Can someone like me even dream again?” 

Akaashi’s heart aches. He knows that Bokuto is still in there somewhere. The energetic young man who had leaped through the air like he was flying, and slammed the ball down on the other side of the court with all of his strength. The eager boyfriend who had kissed him after their very first date. 

The man Akaashi had loved and still loves to this very day. 

Akaashi walks forward and gets on one knee in front of his love. Bokuto’s head tilts down to meet his gaze, and there’s a longing in them. “Don’t be ridiculous,” Akaashi says, the corner of his mouth turning up. “You never stopped dreaming.” 

He waits. Bokuto stares at him, his expression unchanging. He looks so frail and weak, like the gentle breeze could snap him in half. His skin is dull and his hair is limp, and his lips have no color. 

Akaashi reaches and wipes a tear off Bokuto’s face. “I know it’s selfish of me to ask you, but I want you to hold on. Keep fighting. And when you’re fully recovered and healthy,” Akaashi pulls a box out of his pocket and opens it, revealing a gold band, “I want to get married.” 

Bokuto starts to weep silently, and Akaashi waits. “What would I do without you?” Bokuto says through his tears, and Akaashi smiles as tears slip down his cheeks. 

“I wouldn’t know,” Akaashi says. “In every lifetime, I know we were together. I’m quite possessive, you know.” 

Bokuto reaches for the box with shaky hands, and Akaashi slips the ring out and slides it onto his finger. The band is beautiful on his finger, and the corner of Bokuto’s lips turn up in a smile. 

“Let’s get married,” Bokuto laughs, tears falling from his eyes. Akaashi leans up, and Bokuto meets him halfway with a kiss full of hope. 

* * *

“Another failure?” Akaashi lets out a heavy sigh of frustration. “Keep looking. I’ll pay you triple what I am right now, so don’t fail me.” Akaashi ends the call and buries his head in his hands. 

How can there not be a single match? The stress builds in his head, and Akaashi reaches for his coffee. He looks at his calendar and smiles weakly. 

There’s a picture he taped onto the corner of his calendar. It’s a picture from their vacation to the beach, and Bokuto is grinning from where he’s standing far away. The angle of the camera makes it look like he’s holding a large statue up, and Akaashi traces a finger over it. His own face made it into the corner of the shot, and he’s holding up a peace sign with a bland expression. 

The tears escape his eyes, and he cries. Despite all his words and bravado, he’s not even sure they’ll come up with a match. Akaashi can’t let his business drop, so he’s put all his extra sources into finding a match for Bokuto while he struggles to keep up with his own workload. He’s even called up for favors from old acquaintances.

Time waits for no one. 

He tires himself out in his misery and ends up taking a short nap on his desk. When he wakes up, he immediately checks his messages. His heart sinks when there’s no report of good news. 

Akaashi forces himself to focus on his work. He ends up working late into the evening, and takes the last train to the hospital. The streets are dark, dimly lit by the lamps lining the roads. 

Akaashi looks up at the sky as he walks towards the hospital. The sky is empty tonight, and there are barely any visible stars. Akaashi makes a mental note to take Bokuto on a trip to the countryside so they can do some proper star gazing. 

Bokuto is sleeping when he arrives, but Akaashi takes a seat next to him anyway. He holds his hand, bringing it up to his forehead as he closes his eyes and sighs. Akaashi can feel his pulse under his fingertips, and it comforts him. 

“Please hold on,” Akaashi whispers. “I’ll find a match. I’ll save you from this hell. I promise.” Bokuto continues to sleep, and Akaashi sits there until the nurses kick him out. 

* * *

Akaashi makes the executive decision of leaving work early that day. He’s too tired to get anything else done, and he might as well visit Bokuto and check up on him. Bokuto hates being alone more than anything, and Akaashi would rather be by his side than at home alone. 

Something occurs to him, and Akaashi freezes. He’s an absolute  _ idiot. _

He immediately rushes to the hospital after making a quick call. Akaashi checks in with the front desk and makes several more calls while he’s waiting for the doctor. He barely manages to finish arranging a replacement for him before the doctor walks in and takes a seat. 

“Akaashi-san,” she greets him, looking tired. He gives her a curt nod. “Normally, I wouldn’t allow this to happen so quickly, but I’ll make an exception. After all,” she sighs, “you could be the answer to his prayers. Quite literally.” 

Akaashi bows his head. “Thank you,” he murmurs. She offers him a tired smile. 

“You’ll have to wait a few hours while we get everything sorted,” she says, standing. “You’re welcome to wait here or with Bokuto-san. Just let me know now, so I can make proper arrangements.” 

“I’d like to stay with Kou-Bokuto,” Akaashi immediately says. The doctor smiles fondly at him. 

“Alright. You know where he is.” She opens the door and leaves, and Akaashi takes his cue. He takes the elevator to the third floor and heads straight for Bokuto’s room. 

He slides the door open quietly and finds him sleeping. Akaashi takes a seat next to him and reaches for Bokuto’s still hand before a rush of anger flows through him. He should fire his incompetent secretary. There had been so much to take care, so many contacts to reach out to, and Akaashi had forgotten about his own test. 

Akaashi sighs, burying his face in his other hand. As upset as this makes him, he knows that his secretary didn’t intentionally do so. She’s normally excellent at her job, and she must have let it slip this once. Akaashi will be reprimanding her later, but he takes deep breaths and tries to let his anger go. It’ll do no good for him to hold onto his anger. 

Bokuto sleeps peacefully, and Akaashi reaches out to brush a hand through his hair. He looks so incredibly fragile, and it makes his heart ache. “I promise,” he whispers, putting his head against Bokuto’s hand, “I will find a match. No matter what.” 

* * *

Akaashi’s hand shakes. 

It’s a match. 

His entire body trembles before his legs give out from under him. Tears stream uncontrollably down his face, and he sobs. 

Life is cruel to him. 

* * *

“Good thing we found a match!” Bokuto beams, looking excited. Akaashi is glad that he’s feeling better. He tries to muster a smile for him, but he can’t find the willpower to do so. Bokuto’s smile fades into something of concern. 

“Keiji?” He asks gently, reaching for him. “Are you alright?” Akaashi clenches his fists hard enough to draw blood, but he doesn’t notice the slight stinging until Bokuto reaches and grabs his hand. His arm aches.

“Kou,” he says, biting his lip. “Did they tell you who the match was from?” Bokuto shakes his head, and he looks confused. 

Akaashi gazes at Bokuto, bitterness seeping out of every pore. “It was from me.” 

* * *

“Akaashi,” Sugawara sings, popping his head into his office. “I heard someone’s been working overtime lately. Like, a bit too much.” 

“There’s a lot I need to do,” Akaashi replies, his eyes never straying from his laptop. His fingers type furiously, and he blinks when something is set down in front of his face. 

“Eat,” Sugarawa says, pushing chopsticks towards him. The takeout smells delicious, and his traitorous stomach growls. Sugawara grins like he’s won the lottery. 

Akaashi sighs and takes the chopsticks. He eats, but his stomach immediately rolls in revulsion. He sets the chopsticks back down and closes his eyes before resting his head on his hands. 

“Someone’s waiting for you,” Sugawara says, his voice quiet. “I think he misses seeing your face. I think he misses you in general.” Akaashi doesn’t know what to say. 

“I think it’s more cowardly to avoid him,” he continues on, ignoring Akaashi’s flinch. “Face it, Akaashi. Mistakes happen in life. It’s up to you how you’re going to deal with the aftermath.” Sugawara pats him on the back before heading towards the exit. 

“I’ll have to leave early, I have a dinner date tonight,” he calls over his shoulder as he leaves. He waves before the door closes, and Akaashi watches the still door. 

Bokuto’s recovery is not fast. Thankfully, his body had not rejected the bone marrow, and he was healing well. In a few weeks, he would be cleared to go home. 

Yet Akaashi cannot bear to see his face. 

Of course, Bokuto isn’t alone. After hearing the good news, many had dropped by to offer their congratulations, to leave gifts, to chat with him. Akaashi had actually called in a few favors, asking some old friends to stay and keep him company when he could not. His excuse is that he has a lot of work to catch up on, which isn’t exactly a lie. He had sacrificed a lot of work to be with Bokuto. 

It’s cowardly, but he only stops by when Bokuto is sleeping. He leaves little gifts for him, but he never enters the room while Bokuto is awake. Time passes by quickly, and it’s soon time for Bokuto to come home. 

Unfortunately, Akaashi has an important meeting when Bokuto is released from the hospital. As cowardly as he’s been these last few weeks, he was planning on picking him up and taking him home. During the entire meeting, he has a dark look on his face, and the discussions swing in his favor. In the back of his mind, he notes that he should take advantage of his expressions more often. 

Akaashi drives back home as soon as he can, but the sun is already setting by the time he’s released. He’s bone tired as he pulls up into the apartment complex, and he sighs while rubbing his forehead on the elevator ride up to his floor. Akaashi punches in the code to the door before stepping in. 

The lights immediately flicker on, and Akaashi squints as he tries to adjust to the brightness. He freezes as he spots Bokuto sitting on the couch, staring right at him. 

“Keiji,” he says quietly. “Can we talk?” Akaashi swallows hard but nods. 

“Do you mind if I change first?” He asks. Bokuto shakes his head. 

“Right now,” Bokuto says. “I don’t want you to run away again.” Akaashi supposes that he deserves that one. 

Akaashi slowly takes a seat next to him on the couch, leaving some space between them. He stares at the ground, unable to meet Bokuto’s gaze. 

“Why didn’t you come to visit me?” Bokuto asks, his voice cracking at the end. “It’s not like the cure made everything okay right away. I still needed you there by my side but you disappeared.” 

Akaashi lowers his head, biting his lip. There’s pressure building behind his eyes, the stress and guilt building up from the past few weeks. “And you only stopped by at night,” Bokuto laughs, sounding disheartened. “The little gifts made me feel worse, actually. Like you couldn’t acknowledge me face to face, but you could leave small things to try and make it up to me. That’s not what I wanted. You couldn’t even come to pick me up today.” 

“If it wasn’t for me, you could’ve left the hospital so much sooner!” Akaashi breaks, tears streaming down his face. He can’t bear to see Bokuto’s face right now, not when he’s filled with so much guilt. “If I had even thought of it a few days later, it could’ve been too late. You could’ve  _ died _ , and it would be all my fault. How could I visit you when I was responsible for all that suffering you went through?!” 

Bokuto is silent as Akaashi tries to sort through his emotions. “You should hate me, you should despise me,” he says through his tears. “I wanted to come today, but there was too much at work I had to take care of. Maybe that was an excuse too,” Akaashi laughs, sounding demented. He tenses as he feels a pair of arms wrap around his shaking body.

“You kept me going,” Bokuto says quietly. “You know I don’t blame you for any of it. After all, you fought the hardest by my side. Who else did what you’ve done for me?” 

Akaashi lets himself be held as he cries in remorse. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” he repeats, and Bokuto continually hushes him. 

“I won’t accept your apology,” he says firmly. “I’m grateful that I’m alive and healthy right now. There’s a future for us together, thanks to you.” Akaashi bites his lip. 

“We still have to get married, Keiji,” Bokuto says. “Then we have to go on a honeymoon, then we have to come back and get back to our jobs, and act like sappy newlyweds. We have to gross Kuroo out by being lovey-dovey in front of him, and we have to cuddle every night before we go to bed. We can’t do that if you keep beating yourself up over something that turned out fine.” 

Akaashi raises his head to meet Bokuto’s gaze. There’s nothing but love and acceptance in his eyes. “Okay,” he chokes out. “I’ll try.” Bokuto beams and squeezes him tight, and Akaashi hugs him back just as tight.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I’m sorry I didn’t come visit you. I’m sorry I didn’t pick you up today. I’m sorry I was a fool. I’m sorry I was selfish.” 

Bokuto presses a gentle kiss to his head. “I forgive you,” he says. “After all, who would I be if I couldn’t even forgive my own hero?” Akaashi lets out a watery laugh as he finally relaxes in Bokuto’s embrace. 

They’ll work through their problems. Even when Akaashi acts like a fool, Bokuto will be there to guide him back. He’ll do the same for Bokuto. Even in the hard moments, Akaashi is reminded that their relationship is not so easily breakable. Akaashi doesn’t know if he believes in God, but he sends a quick prayer of thanks for letting Bokuto Koutarou live another day. 

**Author's Note:**

> and there's that. i didn't want to kill bokuto though so we have a nice-ish ending.   
> i was very sad while writing this ㅠㅠ but i hope akaashi forgives himself. 
> 
> day 8 -   
> “I am bound to you, by the ritual you have summoned me by,” she says. Her voice is quiet, but it carries power. Bokuto shivers as the waves of magic roll past him.


End file.
